Dirt On His Nose
by Legofiance
Summary: Ron and Hermione having a blazing row? Passionate snogging in a torrential thunderstorm? Badboy Draco cameo? And then Hermione clipping her toenails? HONESTLY. RHr parody goodness


Disclaimer: Characters and settings belong to JK, situations and lines belong to many "witty" and "fluff-inducing" fan fiction writers. Mockery and ridicule belong solely to the authors.

Ron stared fixedly at the girl across the room, ignoring everything, especially Professor Binns.

"Ron!" The sharp reprimand broke Ron from his dazed state.

"Ron!"

"Bloody hell, Harry. What?" Ron whispered back angrily.

"This is a Ron/Hermione fluff story! You are _not_ supposed to be staring at Pavarti!" Harry moved Ron's head, so he was now staring at Hermione.

"Oh, right. Thanks mate."

"Anytime, it is after all my role in these stories: to subtly hint to you (Hermione doesn't need hinting, you're the daft one) in a clever and witty way that makes the reader laugh that you're desperately in love with our bushy haired friend over there."

"That's right. But don't forget that you also do it so you can snog my sister. However, I don't know anything about that because I'm dense and never catch on, to anything. Not even after that suggestive hug Hermione gave me in the third year. (Movie, not the book of course.) She shut you down good then, mate." Ron stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but now I have Ginny. I think I'll go snog her in a broom cupboard." Harry trotted out of class.

Ron stared after him. He turned to Hermione, who was next to him, "Where's he going?"

"To snog your sister of course. Which leaves us together, alone, without Harry, in History of Magic Class; a perfect opportunity for us to confess our undying love and snog too.

"Alright, let's get to it then" said Ron leaning towards Hermione.

"No, Ron! You have to deliver a heart-felt speech that makes the readers melt in their seats due to the overwhelming fluffiness!"

"Cripes! I don't have anything prepared! Do they expect me to come up with this stuff on the spur of the moment! I'm the _dense_ one, remember!"

"Of course not, Ron" said Hermione, handing Ron a printed paper. Ron took the paper and began to read. Hermione quickly cut him off.

"No, Ron! Not now! You're supposed to wait for the opportune moment! Just like Jack Sparrow!" foreshadowing

"Does that mean I need gold teeth?"

"Well, looking like Johnny Depp certainly wouldn't hurt," Hermione said with glazed over eyes, thinking of that hot pirate.

"Hermione!" Ron whined, "If I can't look at Pavarti, then _you're_ not allowed to drool over Johnny!"

Hermione shook her head to clear the thoughts of that debonair pirate. Then a thought struck her.

"Well, what about Orlando?"

Ron blanched. "No!"

"Well, he's kinda girly. You can think about him, too."

Ron looked thoughtful. "Okay. He is rather pretty. Especially as a blonde."

Juliet and Terry break in.

"Hey now! Get back on track! Ron, stop being flamboyant! Hermione, stop thinking about Orlando. Leave that to us. And both of you, you're not supposed to know about Muggle movies!"

"I am a Muggle born," Hermione pointed out.

"But you're in seventh year. That means it's 1997. _Pirates_ didn't come out yet!" Terry screams. Hermione gives Terry a funny look. "You read the books _way_ too much, you dork. I bet you like _Star Wars_, too."

"Just get back to the story." Juliet and Terry disappear.

Ron, with an inspired look on his face, exclaimed "Well, come on Hermione. We've got an opportune moment to find!"

…And promptly ran down the hall, leaving Hermione in the hall, Alone. By herself. In the hall. Wondering how the hell they got in the hall.

"RON!" Hermione yelled down the hall. "We have to be TOGETHER for this to work!" Ron didn't come back. Hermione signed exasperatedly and ran off to the library, to cry over Ron for hours. And hours. Hiding behind her books. Alone. In the library. "I should have fallen for Harry."

Malfoy walked up the bushy-haired bookworm, hiding behind the books. Alone. In the library. Hermione looked up.

"Hi. I think it's that part of the story when I'm supposed to say that I think you're hot stuff. Even though, you know, you're a Mudblood. Of course, I don't actually like you, though. I'm just here to provide an obstacle for the inevitable hook up of Ron and you." Malfoy paused and gave Hermione a sexy look. "Aren't I hot?"

Just then, Ron walked out from behind the bookshelves. He sported a long coat and black kohl under his eyes. And a hat. Basically, he was dressed like Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow. "Is this opportune enough for you 'Mione?" Then he spotted Draco and let out a slightly feminine high pitched squeal, "Hermione!" he gasped.

"No! Ron! We weren't doing anything!"

"Of course you weren't! But this is the part of the story where I get insanely jealous. And we have a big row, and you run off crying, and then I find you and apologize, and we make-out passionately and everyone's happy! (Including the readers.) But for now! I HATE YOU HERMIONE! You're supposed to be alone! Crying over me! In the library! Alone!"

"Oh, right," said Hermione.

Draco cut in, "Am I finished here? Or is this one of those stories where me and Ron duke it out for Hermione. I personally can't decide which I would prefer. I'd like more than a brief cameo, but I don't think it's worth it to be knocked out for hours, yet again. (That git Ron _always_ wins.)"

"Well, in the GOOD stories," Ron said. "Actually, it doesn't even matter. I will, at least, get a bloody nose/lip and this outfit cost a lot of money. I don't want blood on it. So you can just leave. I think you're needed for a cameo in another story anyway." A panicked looked passed over Malfoy's face.

"Oi! I forgot! He rushed out of the story, passing by the authors, who promptly began to drool. Their friend Karen attempts to grab him as he passes.

Juliet: Maybe our next story should have more than just a cameo of Draco…

"Hey!" Ron broke in. "I'M the hero in this story! Stop taking away my rare glory

Terry: Oh, don't worry Ron

Juliet: We know you're the sexiest.

Ron: grumbling Fine, fine. But no more.

Terry: with hand over heart Cross my heart

NOW BACK TO THE STORY

Ron quickly turned back to Hermione. "Right, where were we?" The authors quickly look back in the story. Juliet points, "Right here."

"Alright, Ron. You need to yell at Hermione some more. Hermione, you need to run outside and cry pitifully while moping around the Hogwarts grounds. Cue the rain!" Juliet and Terry disappear.

Rain poured down and thunder and lighting flashed in the window.

Ron: Does thunder flash?

A malicious laugh echoed from the author's reality. A muffled "Stop that Juliet! This isn't a horror story!" followed. The lightening continued…

"Ow! Juliet! That hurts!"

Mwhahaha….

Ron stared at the frightful scene before him.

"Why rain?" questioned Ron.

"Honestly Ron, it makes the mood of our heartfelt confessions all that more passionate! ... Except the lightning doesn't really _fit_" Hermione aid suggestively. The authors dejectedly switched off the lighting.

"Right," answered Ron. "Snogging is always more passionate in the rain." They paused before….

"HERMIONE! How could you do this to me!"

"Ron, we weren't doing anything!"

"You expect me to believe that! I caught you snogging in the library!"

Hermione paused. "We weren't snogging."

Ron looked thoughtful. "Good argument."

"Thank you."

"Anyway…Well, you were pretty close! I never want to see you again!" Ron ran out of the library. Hermione started after him. 'Wow, he really runs like a girl! Funny, I never noticed before.' "Ron!" she screamed after him. "Didn't you listen to the annoying, demanding authors! **I'M** supposed to run out and cry!"

Ron's head popped back in. "But I was in front of the door."

Karen walks in. "Maybe you guys should rewrite that part." Terry contemplates.

"You're right. Juliet? Where'd Juliet go?" Karen walks away looking for Juliet.

"Okay, well this could work." Hermione pushed past Ron and ran through the door, fighting back tears.

"Hermione!" Ron screamed. Then he shot the readers a sexy smile. "Don't I look hot when I'm distressed!" Then he dashed out of the library, hot (in more than one way) on Hermione's tail. Ron looked around 'Wow' he thought, 'she moves fast.' He looked around the hall but couldn't find a trace of her. Karen walks by, looking for Juliet. Ron calls her over.

"Where's Hermione?" Karen peeps into a broom closet.

"Outside, duh!"

"But it's raining. Why would she go outside?"

"Because it increases the emotions of the moment." Karen looks exasperatedly at Ron. "Don't you remember?"

"But it's stupid. It's raining outside."

Karen looks pointedly at him. "Just go outside, Ron. I need to keep looking for Juliet." Karen walks down the hallway and turns the corner, calling out for Juliet.

Ron shrugged and started toward Hogwart's grounds. But not before stopping in his dormitory to get his cloak. "I may be dense, but I'm not bloody stupid." Ron muttered to himself. "If I'm going out in this rain, I'm not doing it without some protection….'increase the emotions of the moment' honestly."

Hermione screams from the grounds "You might as well not bother. You're going to have to give it to me anyway! And hurry up! It's freezing out here."

Ron began jogging out of the tower, wondering how Hermione had heard him.

Ron burst out of the door and into the pounding rain. "Hermione!" His desperate cry rang out over the grounds. Ron looked up.

"Who's calling me desperate?" Terry's head broke through the sky.

"Siiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmbaaaaaaa!...Wait! Rooooooonnnnn…."

"You're doing great man! Keep it up!" Her head disappeared. Ron continued to stare at the sky.

"Could you at least tell me where she is?" A hand popped out and pointed at the lake. Ron began to run over…but tripped and fell face-first in the mud. He slowly picked himself up. "Bloody hell, this isn't worth it."

A crash of lighting flashed in the sky followed by a booming crash of thunder. "Alright, I'm sorry!" yelled Ron. "Of course it's worth it!"

The thunder died down hesitantly. Ron proceeded toward the lake. Hermione was sitting there, clipping her toenails. When she spotted Ron in her peripheral vision, she hurled the clippers into the lake and began to cry into her knees.

"Hermione, you need to stand up for me to deliver my fluffy speech…wait a second…why aren't you wearing shoes? Well, whatever, here." And with that, Ron threw her a pair of high heels that suspiciously (he looked at the sky) had been placed in his cloak pocket. "I guess you're supposed to be strategically wearing high heels for the kissing scene so you don't have to stand on your tip-toes to reach my oh so sexy lips."

A thumbs up sign appeared in the sky.

"Maybe you should just stick to your prepared speeches, Ron…" said Hermione, giving him a funny look.

"Oh, right!" Ron reached into his pocket as Hermione put on the shoes. "Wait," Ron searched frantically through his pockets. "Hermione," he whispered, "I lost my speech."

"Honestly, Ron. Well I guess we'll just have to improvise."

Ron froze, petrified. Hermione look expectantly at the sky. A voice echoed around them, "Good lord, do I have to do EVERYTHING?"

Words started to roll across the rain clouds. "This could make actually LOOKING at Hermione rather difficult," called Ron.

"Tough! You lost the speech. There's only so much I can do!"

"Fine," grumbled Ron.

"Hermione," Ron started, he looked back up at the sky. 'Walk towards her' was rolling past. "There are STAGE DIRECTIONS now!"

Terry popped out once again, "When we do things Ron, we do them **right**…not that I know where the other part of my 'we' is…"

Ron walked towards Hermione.

"Good job!"

'Absentmindedly push her hair behind her ear.'

"How can I do that ABSENTMINDEDLY if I'm being told to!"

"Honestly, Ron, it's called _acting_!" Hermione said frustrated. "But since _you_ seem to be so _bad_ at it…" Hermione took another step closer to Ron and started to 'absentmindedly' smooth his hair out.

'Hmm,' thought Ron. 'Maybe it's not so bad.'

Harry, from the broom cupboard, stopped snogging Ginny and called out, "I thought she was mad at him."

"Well SOMEONE has to move the story along Harry!" Hermione started pointedly at Ron. "And you've got it wrong anyway, Ron was mad at me because I had been 'snogging' Malfoy."

"Whatever," Harry said, and promptly went back to his business in the broom cupboard. Ron attempted to shake this particular image from his head.

A piece of paper floated down from the sky. "We thought it might be better if the reader didn't know the 'surprise' ending before it happened."

Ron read the paper, and passed it to Hermione who scanned it, nodded, folded it up and handed it back to Ron.

"I hate you Hermione!"

"Well, I hate you too!"

Ron froze, took out the paper again, quickly looked at it and shoved it in his pocket once more. Then, 'not able to control his passion any longer,' Ron leant towards Hermione and started snogging her. Hermione pulled back.

"Wait, wait, wait! What about the heartfelt speech?"

"It's not THAT kind of story Hermione! Didn't you read the paper!" Ron whipped out the paper and shoved it under Hermione's nose. "This is one of the stories where we snog FIRST and THEN tell each other of our undying love!"

"Alright." Hermione pulled Ron's head back down to her own (but not _TOO_ far down due to her high heels that gave her advantaged height.)

Ron, however, was confused. Why did he keep thinking, "Where is Juliet? Where is Juliet?" He also seemed to be getting angrier. Why? Karen burst out from Hogwarts. "I found her!" Terry's head appeared in the sky. "Where?"

"She was in the broom cupboard! Making out with….MALFOY!"

Terry gasped. "He's mine!"

"Well," started Juliet (who had followed Karen outside), "this is a Ron/Hermione story, so I can't have Ron….Malfoy's the next hottest…I told you, you only get him when I have Ron!...How many broom cupboards are there in this school anyway?"

"Well, it is a castle, so probably quite a lot." Terry looked thoughtful. "I'm going with 47. But that's just an estimate."

"Alright," started Juliet, "Ron, I don't know what this business is points at previous paragraphs with you getting mad while you're kissing Hermione! I know that you're desperately in love with me, but this story is supposed to be a Ron/Hermione ship! And Hermione! Stop throwing me evil looks! I'm not trying to steal Ron from you! (He's already mine! MWHAHA!) Now I don't know who the stupid authors are…wait that's me.

"JULIET!"

"What?" she asked while looking at the sky.

"Stop rambling! Stop messing with the characters! Go get Malfoy! And get your butt back up here! Ron, I apologize. My anger at Juliet was spilling into you two. Here, this should be better." Terry waved her hand. Inexpressible joy filled Ron and Hermione. They turned to each other. Juliet and Karen escaped into the sky, puling Malfoy kicking and screaming between them.

Ron looked at Hermione. "Well, then. Back to business" He leaned down, but Hermione turned her face away.

"Ron, its' time for your heartfelt speech."

"Well, she stopped the skyprompter. I don't know what to say." A look of brilliance appeared on Ron's face, he then slowly got down on one knee.

"Ron…what are you doing?" Hermione said tentatively.

Ron looked up in surprise, "I thought it would be obvious! I figured, hey, what better way to say 'I love you' then a spur of the moment marriage proposal?"

"Ron! We're seventeen! That's not even legal! Get up, you prat! Bloody hell." Hermione shook her head exasperatedly.

Ron grumbled, dejectedly to himself, something that sounded similar to "bloody good idea…save time…"

Then he stopped mid-ramble. "Hermione! You cursed! You are now the perfect woman in my eyes!"

Ron apparently considered this a meritable heartfelt speech, because he promptly leaned down and, once again, started to snog Hermione.

Hermione pushed him away. "No! That's not nearly good enough! Terry! Juliet! He needs help! Please?" Poor Hermione was beginning to look desperate. Plus, she really kind of wanted to finish clipping her toenails. Ron had totally interrupted her. (After getting a new nail clipper of course, what had motivated her to throw away that perfectly good one was beyond her….)

"NO!" screamed Ron. I don't _NEED_ their help anymore! Because I _really_ do love you Hermione! It just took your use of profanity for me to realize it!"

"What?"

"Hermione, I've loved you ever since you told me I had dirt on my noise first year on the train…But I didn't realize it until you straightened your hair and turned into a total hottie.

Hermione gasped. "Ron," she sighed "_Honestly_, you don't know how long I've waited for you to say that."

Ron looked thoughtful. "Well, about a year I reckon, these lazy ass writers."

Hermione then broke character, or rather, went into character. "I _hate_ it when this happens! I hate when I say that! I mean, you're not the _only_ one who can _speak_! I could have told you that I was heart-throbbing, passionately, and huskily (that's for all the "Sexy Ron" fans out there) in love with _you_ too!

"Shhh," Ron whispered while leaning towards Hermione, "You're ruining the fluff moment."

Hermione forcefully pushed Ron away, "_Honestly Ron_, no I'm not. I'm just ruining the cheese."

"Fine, well if we're done snogging…" Ron trotted up the hill…because there's a hill (?). (Well if you don't imagine the same spiffy Hogwarts grounds that Juliet does that's your own downfall.) Leaving Hermione. Alone. By the lake. With a lonely feeling and half-clipped toenails.

"Ron!" Hermione screamed. "_Honestly_, where are you going?"

Ron quickly whipped around with his hair swooshing in the roaring wind. "Well, if you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

"Honestly, Ron, we're _together_ now! You're supposed to be nicer to me. You totally still have the emotional range of a teaspoon. (A/N p.s. could we maybe not use that line in like…_one_ fic?)"

"Oh, right then. I'm off to have a brotherly chat with my pseudo-brother Harry. He'll have to pry himself away from my sister's mouth, but how else are we going to have a heart-felt, life changing chat that ends with witty banter leaving the reader fulfilled and chortling?"

"All right then." After all, this was the perfect opportunity for her to finish clipping her toenails. _Honestly_.

The End (for now). ominous music


End file.
